beachdeath:

*rpl and little nephew sitting on the floor drinking communion wine tired after a long fight*

rpl: you never told me how you managed to excise shamu from sea world

ln: mm

rpl: i mean that is… quite the feat

ln: yeah

rpl: how’d you pull it off?

ln: well i took my kiddie pool, you know, from the backyard, and i had my scooter and a couple jump ropes tied together, and i hid out in a bathroom by the sea lions for a few hours until the park was closed, right, and then i went over to the whale tank and i got out the kiddie pool and like, a hand pump, to inflate it, and then i tied the handle of the kiddie pool to the jump rope and i tied the jump rope to my scooter and i banged on the glass and i was like, “hey, shamu, get in,” right, thinking he’d hop in and i’d scooter him out of there

rpl: i couldn’t possibly respond to that

ln: i was on a lot of bath salts at the time

rpl: bath salts? like lush?

ln: no like drugs. anyway then, get this, the belarusian mafia shows up with a crane and a transport sling and a 40-foot foam-padded trailer and they were like, “hey kid, our getaway driver bailed, you want in?“ and i was like, “getaway driver? like baby driver? hell yes man” and they were like, “we’ll pay you half a million belarusian rubles” and i was like, “shit man i’ll do it for free!” 

rpl: i’m –

ln: so we get shamu in the trailer and then i’m driving off down the freeway and i guess i’m swerving a little, you know cause i’m like, high as shit, and then this cop pulls me over and she’s writing up my DUI and she’s like, “so what’s in the big trailer?” and i’m like, “not shamu” and she was like, “what?” and she looked back there and… well, it was shamu, so