chrisrankings:

THE 4 WHITE CHRISES RANKINGS – week ending 15th july, 2018

#1 – CHRIS PINE – SUMMER BIKE RIDE WITH CHANNING TATUM

This editorial board has wholeheartedly endorsed Channing Tatum ever since he implied that Jamie Bell was a short but feisty top. I’m impressed to see Pine making swift amends for his recent spate of dismal rankings: ultimately, while we at chrisrankings.tumblr.com encourage unrelenting iconography & constant, zeitgeist-adjacent acts as a way of life, we value an upward trajectory more. The Washington Post article which first broke the news does not mention if Tatum and Pine’s bikes had quaint wicker-baskets affixed to the handlebars, but that’s how I picture it in my mind’s eye (and my mind’s eye ascends the vapidity of facts): it’s enough for Pine to rocket to first rank. 

#2 – CHRIS EVANS – TWEET ABOUT ART

Earnestness is a lethal weapon, and woe betide anyone who doubts this maxim. I know, because upon reading this tweet my vision blacked out and I promptly headbutted a wall, which means that Evans fractured my cranium in three separate places without lifting a finger. The use of direct address vis-à-vis Kareem’s middle name: how avuncular! How visionary! Two adjectives which otherwise occupy opposite ends of the spectrum; trust Evans to bring them together. BBC teasingly skirts poverty porn with this video, but I’m loathe to imagine that Evans thinks virtue-signalling is anything other than taking your high-school beau behind a locker and shyly showing them your purity ring. My felicitations, Evans–there’s no way but up/getting back with Jenny Slate from here.  

#3 – CHRIS HEMSWORTH – DID NOTHING SPECIFICALLY LESBIAN-RESPECTING THIS WEEK, UNLIKE KEIRA KNIGHTLEY  

I’d have settled for even the slightest sign of fight: Evans made significant gains this week among lesbian constituents following the now-infamous Billy Eichner retweet, and Hemsworth seems unbothered. Does he truly believe he has the market cornered, even as Justin McElroy lives and breathes? The silence is deafening, and speaks to a certain arrogance. This week, I must exile him to third rank.

#4 – CHRIS PRATT – OY VEY!

I sat my trusty detainee Nate Silver in front of the television set and made him watch Passengers (2016) dir. Morten Tyldum, which, while in contravention of several humanitarian laws, gave him new-found appreciation for the message I’m spreading.